I honestly don’t know how many of you follow me that truly know me. Or that know me from home, or would know Graham. But it has come to my attention that I am no longer happy here in North Carolina anymore, Which sucks because its a beautiful state. Not only the beauty but I have met some amazing people through the fire department and the MC. Just our relationship time has come to end and its time for me to make my way back to west coast where I know my way around..
I could sit here and say that I tore up and hurt but in all honesty, I got it all out. I wasted all those tears before I wanted anyone to feel sorry for me, and no one should. I put myself into a situation where I knew that there would be an end. I took that chance and unfortunately, it all ruled in his favor.
I can’t all be that upset either because I have been missing home like crazy! not like that is any excuse to break up with someone either but it makes me sad that every time I want to come home there is an excuse or a problem. But when he wants to do something then he has all power to do it. So.. September 1st is the day that I start my travels back the west coast but not back to Oregon.. Washington, Ya’ll!
I always jump to things that I think are perfect for me. I never step back and think that is the biggest picture, excuse my language, but I get sometimes get fucked in some situations. I just might getting fucked in this situation and if I am, then at least I got a great year long vacation out of it. I thought that graham was gonna be the one that I could settle down and marry one day, have kids with one day down the road. I feel like there is some shady work going on and something is being hidden from me, he says that he loves me all the time and he shows it. But there is things called Facebook.. It shows messages, it also shows people that you are Ina relationship with other people but graham has hidden so that no one else can see it except me.
I have this constant need to be home, back on the west coast. Where I have my family close enough I can drive to them, where I have my friends. Even though I really do love graham, I don’t want to think about leaving, I just don’t wanna deal with him talking to other girls that I know aren’t just friends.
I stopped talking to most of my males friends, even the ones that I have been friends with for over a year because I don’t want to have any reason for graham to think that I was being jealous or for him to think I was doing the same think. But I don’t call my male friends pet names like “cutie” “sweetie” crap like that. I call them friend or asshole.
I have been feeling trapped with having bentley here. I mean, I love him being here. Hes funny and hes been fun to teach but it feels like hes mine. I’ve been disciplining him when he’s in trouble, cooking for him, cleaning after him and his dad. Everything you’d think possible that goes with a kid, I’d be doing. I understand that graham is working but he gets he at least needs to take some responsibility.
I hope the summer turns around a little bit. A tiny bit, something good to look forward too.
I have been diagnosed as chronic migraine with aurora just with in the last year. In the last six months, I have been on countless medications and the last two have been HORRIBLE! I mean, the dosage alone have been so high that it either makes me just sleep all day or it makes me so spaced out that I have no idea where the hell I am going or what I am doing.
This new medication makes tired, makes me feel like im falling ALL the time, have the tingles and I just don’t know how to deal with it so I just cry. I am suppose to be on it for at least a week and I am not yet up to that yet.. so I am hoping that once I meet that week point it will fade away but its not showing any changes.
I am at that point in my life where I just want to stop all the medications and the doctors and try being herbal and organics. I don’t know how much more I can take being changed with medications and poked with the doctors. It just seems like they really aren’t making any differences with this.. or they really aren’t trying.
I don’t know what else to do..
I have been in North Carolina for close to 8 months now and its been brought to me about the places that some places people have been and the places they don’t wanna go. I have never lived anywhere besides Oregon, my entire life, but I have had the chance to travel. During my time here, I have met amazing people, seen amazing places, and heard about the stories that happened here.
I know that Oregon has a lot to offer but there is more to the world then just what Ive seen, what I know. I was worried that I would hate my choice to leave from everything that I know, my comfort zone, my family. The past few weeks, I have been more then happy to see that I have made the right choice for me because I have made the chance to meet people who have made me think differently then those that are close and dear to me. They have showed me a whole new meaning to life then I would have never shown to myself alone, probably not ever. Someone that used to be a friend of mine told me that I needed to stop being someone that I wasn’t, obviously, I wrote about that once before. I was always myself but now I am me in a little more grown up sense. I have a schedule, I have a reminder for bills and appointments. Everything that I didn’t have and would forget a year ago, I have now. Not saying that the people changed that but moving from home changed that. Not having anyone but myself to depend on, change that.
Now, I am sort of getting off topic. I was leaning more towards where you would call home. I asked the people that I talk with on a daily basis and they all said that even though they have been to different places, they would rather live in the place they grew up in. I have to agree with that. Except, for me it would be the state that I grew up in. I will always be a country girl at heart but I do love the urban life and feeling classy. I grew up mostly in a small town and when I get old and have grandchildren, that is where I will be. But for now, I am going to be okay with the moving around and adding new towns to my list of homes or places I have lived. Stories that I can tell my friends back home and stories to tell my children and grandchildren. All the trouble that we would get in, the things to do and don’t do.
Let me start of with, just a few months ago. I was feeling this awful feeling, the kind you sometimes get when something is wrong. I had this feeling like my SO was hiding something from me. Naturally, I went to the first place that I thought would have been the best place, Facebook. Since he wasn’t around, I thought that it would be the safest bet but while I was fishing out information that would ease or increase the feeling I was having, I gave up. I didn’t think that it was a good decision to go through someone’s Facebook without them knowing. During the night, I couldn’t sleep. So I got up to check his Facebook again and I went through with it this time. The first place I went was to messages and that’s when I found messages that really didn’t help me. I found some that were innocent messaging back and forth with a girl. The next, a message about how they both missed each other, exchanging cutesy names (i.e., babe, hun, etc.) Those didn’t exactly sit well, but I couldn’t really complain if that was the only thing I found. On to the third message, nothing. Fourth, the one. The message that sent my whole feeling over the edge. Finding messages with each one of them exchanging the “I miss you”, “I wish we could have been” and finally…. “DO you want me? I want you.” This technically wasn’t the FIRST thing I saw from this message log. The first thing I laid eyes on… Naked pictures.
I have been told there are forms of cheating, the emotional and the physical. Whether you are hiding something that you know, as a person, is something you could potentially get in trouble for. What is considered cheating to everyone and anyone?
I didn’t get mad. I was more hurt then anything only because it all made me feeling like I was the one that isn’t good enough. We had a conversation about everything that I found then everything just stopped, till now. I picked up the facebook and read some of the new messages that were in the log. Again, was just the casual flirting with one another. So, this time, I was a little more skeptical. Less then before because the girl that he was talking to said, ” you guys are cute together. I am sure that things will work out just fine for you both. And I don’t want to be the ‘back-up’ plan.”
I just really wanna know what I am doing that is so wrong that makes the people I date look at other women and not me. I am not a terrible person but I know that I can be hard to deal with at times.. Who isn’t? I am not the type to look for other guys opinions. I can understand that there are men that do it only to know that they are still wanted by women. But they don’t know how much it causes pain and problems.
So what I want to know really is, Would you have done the same? If you thought the person you love was doing something they shouldn’t have?
I recently had a fallout, for the last time, with a so-called friend. We have had our ups and downs for some time now and just recently had our LAST down and it will stay that way. Since I moved, we haven’t really talked much. Even when we did have our occasional conversations (through text messaging), we seemed to just argue. Long story short, he texted me telling me that he needed to “let me go” so that he could just go on about his life. I just agreed, knowing that it was probably just his way of trying to fight, that I would eventually go back to our ups again. I then received some text messages from him saying “well he is a loser if you have to meet him on a dating website after just breaking up with a guy. and telling another guy that he’s your dream guy and you want.” text two; “so now you can get knocked up like you want to. get kids and be a miserable military wife. since that’s what you’ve always wanted to be.” text three; ” while your at it, go fuck your douche friends and stop pretending to be a firefighter.”
This isn’t a blog about putting him on blast because that is not what I want to do. I just want to show and talk about how you don’t really know your friends. Or the people that you think are your friends. Now, that being said. I have somethings that I have to clear up. Yes, my boyfriend and I met through a dating site. I didn’t expect to start dating him as soon as we did. I also didn’t know that he was in the military when I first met or started talking to him. Also, I am not pretending to be anything. I have been a fire fighter for a couple years and I left the department because of personal and health reasons.
I just didn’t expect someone who I trusted so much to say mean things to me. But, I have moved on of it. I have solved the problem and there is no way he can reach me. I don’t have the energy to go through any more of this.