Something’s in life, you can’t change.

I always jump to things that I think are perfect for me. I never step back and think that is the biggest picture, excuse my language, but I get sometimes get fucked in some situations. I just might getting fucked in this situation and if I am, then at least I got a great year long vacation out of it. I thought that graham was gonna be the one that I could settle down and marry one day, have kids with one day down the road. I feel like there is some shady work going on and something is being hidden from me, he says that he loves me all the time and he shows it. But there is things called Facebook.. It shows messages, it also shows people that you are Ina relationship with other people but graham has hidden so that no one else can see it except me. 

I have this constant need to be home, back on the west coast. Where I have my family close enough I can drive to them, where I have my friends. Even though I really do love graham, I don’t want to think about leaving, I just don’t wanna deal with him talking to other girls that I know aren’t just friends. 

I stopped talking to most of my males friends, even the ones that I have been friends with for over a year because I don’t want to have any reason for graham to think that I was being jealous or for him to think I was doing the same think. But I don’t call my male friends pet names like “cutie” “sweetie” crap like that. I call them friend or asshole. 

I have been feeling trapped with having bentley here. I mean, I love him being here. Hes funny and hes been fun to teach but it feels like hes mine. I’ve been disciplining him when he’s in trouble, cooking for him, cleaning after him and his dad. Everything you’d think possible that goes with a kid, I’d be doing. I understand that graham is working but he gets he at least needs to take some responsibility.

I hope the summer turns around a little bit. A tiny bit, something good to look forward too.


TESTING, I’m Done.

I have been diagnosed as chronic migraine with aurora just with in the last year. In the last six months, I have been on countless medications and the last two have been HORRIBLE! I mean, the dosage alone have been so high that it either makes me just sleep all day or it makes me so spaced out that I have no idea where the hell I am going or what I am doing.

This new medication makes tired, makes me feel like im falling ALL the time, have the tingles and I just don’t know how to deal with it so I just cry. I am suppose to be on it for at least a week and I am not yet up to that yet.. so I am hoping that once I meet that week point it will fade away but its not showing any changes.

I am at that point in my life where I just want to stop all the medications and the doctors and try being herbal and organics. I don’t know how much more I can take being changed with medications and poked with the doctors. It just seems like they really aren’t making any differences with this.. or they really aren’t trying.

I don’t know what else to do..



The troubles of a Toddler.

Just last week, My boyfriend brought home his three year old son from the west coast. I thought that the summer would be a fun thing, having him here and all. I know that it has only been a little less then a week and it has been PURE hell. I understand that he is still transitioning from parent to parent but there is a fine line between what he should be getting away with and what he shouldn’t be. I am having a hard time with this kid, already. He has had a listening problem with bother me and his own father. He thinks that he doesn’t have to do anything that we tell him to do and if he gets into trouble then he spits. Now, if he was my child, he would have been popped in the mouth, not hard, but enough to know that spitting is not okay. Especially when he is trouble and is suppose to be doing something.

Today, its just been the two of us. Honestly, its not that bad, yet. But currently, he is suppose to be taking a nap and he is kicking the walls and throwing his stuffed animals away. I am a person with a lot of patience but I swear I have none when it comes to B.

Yesterday, well, last night he told me ” I like to say Fuck.” My eyes got big. I tried not to laugh but at the same time I didn’t know what to do so I walked away. But before I left, I told him that the F-word was not nice and that only bad people said that word. He just looked at me like I was a retard.. Then, we started to tell him to pick up his toys so that he could get ready for bed and his response was :okay, fine, whatever.” Those exact words that come from his M.O.M.

I am not pointing fingers and I know that children are portable recorders but we don’t swear in our house. We don’t watch anything that has any swearing in. Maybe the word shit was said once or twice but he was never near the area or in the area of the word being said. I think that he listens to everything that his mom has to say because he is around her 24/7. That isn’t a bad thing but if kids are around you that much then you should at least try to watch what you say.. It makes it that much harder to break those habits when he is with other people.

I just hope that this whole behavior stuff passes..



I have been in North Carolina for close to 8 months now and its been brought to me about the places that some places people have  been and the places they don’t wanna go. I have never lived anywhere besides Oregon, my entire life, but I have had the chance to travel. During my time here, I have met amazing people, seen amazing places, and heard about the stories that happened here.

I know that Oregon has a lot to offer but there is more to the world then just what Ive seen, what I know. I was worried that I would hate my choice to leave from everything that I know, my comfort zone, my family. The past few weeks, I have been more then happy to see that I have made the right choice for me because I have made the chance to meet people who have made me think differently then those that are close and dear to me. They have showed me a whole new meaning to life then I would have never shown to myself alone, probably not ever. Someone that used to be a friend of mine told me that I needed to stop being someone that I wasn’t, obviously, I wrote about that once before. I was always myself but now I am me in a little more grown up sense. I have a schedule, I have a reminder for bills and appointments. Everything that I didn’t have and would forget a year ago, I have now. Not saying that the people changed that but moving from home changed that. Not having anyone but myself to depend on, change that.

Now, I am sort of getting off topic. I was leaning more towards where you would call home. I asked the people that I talk with on a daily basis and they all said that even though they have been to different places, they would rather live in the place they grew up in. I have to agree with that. Except, for me it would be the state that I grew up in. I will always be a country girl at heart but I do love the urban life and feeling classy. I grew up mostly in a small town and when I get old and have grandchildren, that is where I will be. But for now, I am going to be okay with the moving around and adding new towns to my list of homes or places I have lived. Stories that I can tell my friends back home and stories to tell my children and grandchildren. All the trouble that we would get in, the things to do and don’t do.


We’re all mad

Originally posted on Cristian Mihai:

mad“Have I gone mad?”
“I’m afraid so. You’re entirely bonkers. But I’ll tell you a secret. All the best people are.”

Even though most of the times you don’t feel like your’re mad, you feel different. It happens to all of us. Sometimes we feel like there’s an invisible wall between us and the rest of the world. We feel alone, we feel different, we feel as though we’re not good enough. And it’s difficult to accept this. Most of the times, people simply try to find comfort: in their art, in another person, in aimlessly wandering through life.

View original 67 more words


Would you?

 Let me start of with, just a few months ago. I was feeling this awful feeling, the kind you sometimes get when something is wrong. I had this feeling like my SO was hiding something from me. Naturally, I went to the first place that I thought would have been the best place, Facebook. Since he wasn’t around, I thought that it would be the safest bet but while I was fishing out information that would ease or increase the feeling I was having, I gave up. I didn’t think that it was a good decision to go through someone’s Facebook without them knowing. During the night, I couldn’t sleep. So I got up to check his Facebook again and I went through with it this time. The first place I went was to messages and that’s when I found messages that really didn’t help me. I found some that were innocent messaging back and forth with a girl. The next, a message about how they both missed each other, exchanging cutesy names (i.e., babe, hun, etc.) Those didn’t exactly sit well, but I couldn’t really complain if that was the only thing I found. On to the third message, nothing. Fourth, the one. The message that sent my whole feeling over the edge. Finding messages with each one of them exchanging the “I miss you”, “I wish we could have been” and finally…. “DO you want me? I want you.” This technically wasn’t the FIRST thing I saw from this message log. The first thing I laid eyes on… Naked pictures.

I have been told there are forms of cheating, the emotional and the physical. Whether you are hiding something that you know, as a person, is something you could potentially get in trouble for. What is considered cheating to everyone and anyone?

I didn’t get mad. I was more hurt then anything only because it all made me feeling like I was the one that isn’t good enough. We had a conversation about everything that I found then everything just stopped, till now. I picked up the facebook and read some of the new messages that were in the log. Again, was just the casual flirting with one another. So, this time, I was a little more skeptical. Less then before because the girl that he was talking to said, ” you guys are cute together. I am sure that things will work out just fine for you both. And I don’t want to be the ‘back-up’ plan.”

I just really wanna know what I am doing that is so wrong that makes the people I date look at other women and not me. I am not a terrible person but I know that I can be hard to deal with at times.. Who isn’t? I am not the type to look for other guys opinions. I can understand that there are men that do it only to know that they are still wanted by women. But they don’t know how much it causes pain and problems.

So what I want to know really is, Would you have done the same? If you thought the person you love was doing something they shouldn’t have?


Friendships; who are you real friends?

I recently had a fallout, for the last time, with a so-called friend. We have had our ups and downs for some time now and just recently had our LAST down and it will stay that way. Since I moved, we haven’t really talked much. Even when we did have our occasional conversations (through text messaging), we seemed to just argue. Long story short, he texted me telling me that he needed to “let me go” so that he could just go on about his life. I just agreed, knowing that it was probably just his way of trying to fight, that I would eventually go back to our ups again. I then received some text messages from him saying “well he is a loser if you have to meet him on a dating website after just breaking up with a guy. and telling another guy that he’s your dream guy and you want.” text two; “so now you can get knocked up like you want to. get kids and be a miserable military wife. since that’s what you’ve always wanted to be.” text three; ” while your at it, go fuck your douche friends and stop pretending to be a firefighter.”

This isn’t a blog about putting him on blast because that is not what I want to do. I just want to show and talk about how you don’t really know your friends. Or the people that you think are your friends. Now, that being said. I have somethings that I have to clear up. Yes, my boyfriend and I met through a dating site. I didn’t expect to start dating him as soon as we did. I also didn’t know that he was in the military when I first met or started talking to him. Also, I am not pretending to be anything. I have been a fire fighter for a couple years and I left the department because of personal and health reasons.

I just didn’t expect someone who I trusted so much to say mean things to me. But, I have moved on of it. I have solved the problem and there is no way he can reach me. I don’t have the energy to go through any more of this.